Mixed-Blood in a Gender Role Reversed World - Chapter 43
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Chapter 43 : Regret (2)
It’s hard to see stars in the city’s night sky.
Especially in Seoul, not just any city.
But tonight, maybe I’m lucky, because I can see a few stars glimmering against the black backdrop. I exhaled smoke, focusing to keep the stars in my sight.
When I’m feeling down, I often try to shake it off like this. But it doesn’t last long.
“...Damn it.”
Even this doesn’t bring me comfort. I muttered a low curse and took the last drag from the cigarette I was holding.
“I thought I’d forgotten it all. But I guess not, Mom.”
Despite my vow that day to live better, I found myself whining like a child again. The fact that I’d hurt someone again had pried open the door to memories I’d locked away in a secret box in my heart.
If it was someone unrelated to me, I wouldn’t be this pathetic. But it had to be Mina, of all people, which makes it worse.
Her smiling face, her anxious concern for me they flickered before my eyes.
Part of me feels resentful too. When did she carve out such a place in my heart without my permission?
“Ah.”
A bitter taste lingered on my tongue, and I glanced down. The paper wrapped around the cigarette had burned down to the filter.
I stuck out my tongue slightly, grabbed the cigarette with my fingers, and irritably threw it to the ground. I stomped on it, extinguishing the faint smoke rising from it. Looking at the dirty, ash-stained butt, I realized it was my last cigarette. My eyes drifted to the scattered butts littering the ground.
“...”
Even so, I thought this wasn’t right and closed my glowing eyes. As I bent down to pick up the butts, it felt like Ryu Sehwa’s dignity as a human would crumble. In the end, I let go of my lingering attachment and started walking toward the small entrance I’d come through to leave this place.
After a few steps, I heard the sound of rapid footsteps approaching from the distance.
‘...What’s that?’
I furrowed my brow for a moment but figured it was just someone passing by and continued moving my hesitant legs.
*Clunk.*
The familiar scene greeted me as I opened the door and stepped into my house. Standing quietly at the entrance, I fumbled with my empty pockets and took off my shoes.
I drew the curtains over the window where moonlight was streaming in, lay down on my bed, and closed my eyes. In the complete darkness of my vision, there was little difference from this lightless place.
_____
___
The next day.
Unlike usual, I slid my arm into my arm warmer with an expressionless face. After finishing the task, I picked up scissors to cut some tape but put them down again.
Maybe I didn’t need to keep doing this anymore. It’s such a hassle every day.
I’d only done this to avoid being labeled a delinquent, but instead, my image had solidified as some kind of gangster. Hyemin and Suyoung, covered in tattoos, didn’t bother hiding theirs, probably because of their backgrounds. But that’s not fair, is it?
If things are like this anyway, is there really a reason for me to keep covering up? It’s a shitty school anyway.
Still, as a final act of courtesy, I didn’t take off the arm warmer and left the house.
I took a taxi and got off near the school’s main gate.
“Hey! Come here. Look at that outfit!”
“Oh, Vice Principal... hehe. Please, just this once, ma’am...”
A large woman with a bulldog-like face was scolding a male student. The boy flashed a servile smile in front of her fierce anger.
I turned my gaze away from their argument and passed by them.
“You, hold on! Look at this. You’ve lost your mind! Tattoos! I’m talking to you!”
Her words made me turn my head creakily, and her fierce gaze was fixed on me. I stared back quietly, and the intensity in her eyes faded as her thick lips closed.
“Uh... your name?”
“Ryu Sehwa.”
“Oh, uh, alright. Go on, then. Ahem. I didn’t know. Haha.”
I bowed my head to her as she shrank back. Judging by her stiffening expression, it seemed she’d heard about what happened that day.
“Hey, ma’am! Why are you letting him go?”
“...Shut up! You, write your name down!”
Ignoring the boy’s indignant protests and the woman’s shouting, I headed to the classroom. As I sat at my desk, the room fell silent. A quick glance around with sunken eyes made the gazes directed at me retreat.
With a single menacing gesture, I brushed off the unwelcome stares, then rested my head on a pillow made of my arms on the desk. Closing my eyes, I let the wave of drowsiness take over.
____
____
A room that seemed to be made entirely of wood, surrounded by brown tones. A large door at the far end swung open, and a woman entered. She was an ordinary-looking person with dark hair.
I turned my gaze to the side and saw a dusty bookshelf packed with books. Standing silently among them, I stared at the woman.
The air grew heavy. In that atmosphere, the crackling sound of a spark from the fireplace broke the silence on the woman’s lips.
“...Boss.”
“You’re here?”
The reply came from behind me. It was a voice I’d definitely heard before, but I didn’t even think to turn and check. I simply held my position in silence.
*Crackle.*
The fire sparked again. The woman, whose eyes had been darting anxiously, opened her mouth.
“...I’m quitting. I’ve started a family, and I want to focus on that.”
“I understand. That feeling. You’ve worked hard all this time.”
Her face brightened at the gentle voice.
“Th-then!”
“Yeah, you can go. But... you need to pass it down.”
“...Boss. It’s a boy. He can barely even walk...”
“It’s fine. There’s so much a boy can do. Especially using charm that’s a big advantage. Age... isn’t an issue. You know that.”
Her eyes filled with veins of anger.
“Are you trying to make him like... that person beside you? That’s too much. You climbed to that position through succession too, didn’t you? Then you should understand, at least a little.”
“Sorry. I didn’t get why people did it either, but once I tried it, it wasn’t so bad. And I can’t be the only one to go through it, right?”
“...So you’re saying you’ll take him?”
“Yeah. You understand, don’t you? You can always have another one.”
The voice remained kind, but to the woman, it must have sounded like the devil’s. Her face twisted in agony.
I, who had been calmly watching her, quietly placed my hand on my waist.
“That’s... not possible. He’s my first child...”
“You knew what you were getting into. I’m making this offer because of what you’ve done for us.”
The words, spoken lightly without inflection, spread through the room.
In that moment, the woman’s trembling hands stopped. Was it all an act?
“You... damn bitch—!”
*Bang!*
A hole pierced through the woman’s forehead as she reached for her pocket, cursing. As she collapsed like a bundle of straw, I slid the cold metal back into my waistband.
“As expected, my Sasha. Thank you, as always.”
“...”
I kept staring forward. Then, a slender arm slipped around my waist.
“...My only light in life. I love you.”
Her words were like a signal, and the scene shattered like fragments of a broken mirror.
As the pieces scattered in all directions, someone placed a hand on my shoulder, and I opened my eyes.
Empty desks came into view. I realized it was just a dream.
“*Gasp!*”
“Se, Sehwa! Are you okay?”
I was dazed for a moment, breathing heavily. Grabbing Mina’s shoulder as she looked at me with wide, worried eyes, I steadied my breath.
“Haa, haa. Damn... it...”
“...Sehwa, did you have a bad dream?”
“...I’m fine. Just go.”
Why.
Why the hell do I keep having these shitty dreams? I roughly brushed back my sweat-soaked hair.
I needed time alone before the torrent of emotions swept me away. Pushing Mina gently, I said,
“Just... I want to be alone for a bit.”
“Really... are you—”
“...Go. Don’t make this harder.”
With a pained expression, I scowled and shooed her away. Mina’s eyes showed a hint of hurt, but she quietly stepped back and left the classroom.
I covered my face with both hands. My fingers pressed against my eyes.
The vivid feeling of killing someone wasn’t why I was like this. It was the longing, the yearning, the vengeful hatred... the love-hate.
I took a deep breath to calm the boiling emotions.
It was just a dream. Not something that actually happened—just a nightmare.
Repeating that to myself, I slowly regained my composure. But soon, regret washed over me, and I muttered a quiet curse.
“Damn it...”
Mina’s sad eyes came to mind. I’d hurt someone who came to check on me out of worry. Again.
I’d planned to apologize today, but...
I haven’t grown at all since then. Who will even stay by my side in the end?
Ryu Sehwa, you idiot.
I didn’t exchange a single word with Mina until the end of the school day. She’d been quietly avoiding me.
The path home I used to walk with Mina was now just me, alone.
The empty space felt hollow and desolate, but I didn’t dare hope for someone to fill it.
____
Out of habit, I came to the alley and flicked on my lighter, but there was nothing to light.
Looking up at the night sky, the fog in my mind didn’t clear.
*Thud.*
I leaned carelessly against the wall. Everything felt like shit.
Then, I heard footsteps. Light, and somehow familiar.
With a flicker of hope, I listened closely but soon sighed. It’s night. It couldn’t be her.
As I turned to leave, silver hair glimmered under the moonlight, swaying unrealistically before me.
“Uh... hi? I was going to message you, but... you’re already out here...”
“...Why are you here?”
Despite my feelings, my words came out curt. No sign of change. Was I about to repeat the past again?
“Sorry for coming so late. You seemed down today, so I was wondering why... and I noticed there was no cigarette smell. That’s why, right?”
I always smoked before school. I didn’t have any today, so I couldn’t. Thinking she misunderstood, I was about to clarify when Mina held something out.
Seeing the cigarette packs in her small hands, a small smile crept onto my face.
“You came to give me these?”
“Yeah! I knew I was right. Pretty sharp, huh?”
She patted her head as if praising herself, looking adorable. Seeing me smile, Mina, who had been tense, asked,
“Oh, and... about learning martial arts.”
“...What?”
Was she still hung up on that? My smile vanished instantly. But Mina pressed on steadfastly.
“I was thinking... if I try again, I could do well—”
“Hey, Mina.”
“...Yeah?”
“Why are you so stubborn? I explained everything.”
Twisting my lips, I stepped closer, and Mina stammered,
“I... I know. I understand why you did it...”
“You knew? That I did it on purpose?”
“...Yeah.”
Hah.
“Good thing you knew. Yeah, I did it on purpose. To tell you to stop with that shitty stuff. But if I teach you here, and you get good at fighting...”
“...”
“You’ll jump in to save someone and end up getting hurt, regretting it only then? Do you even know what that feels like?”
“...Sehwa, I don’t know what you mean, but that’s not what I meant...”
I was pouring out everything I’d bottled up toward Mina. But I couldn’t stop. It was all for her sake.
I laughed mockingly and stepped closer.
“Protect me? I don’t need that, so please... know your place. You and I, we come from different worlds.”
I vented my frustration. But it wasn’t until I saw Mina’s eyes that I realized this wasn’t right.
Those foolish eyes... where had I seen them before? I know I had.
“...I’m sorry. I won’t do it again.”
There wasn’t even resentment in her tearful voice. Her sapphire-like eyes glistened with moisture.
My heart sank. Was I about to lose someone again?
“Sorry for coming so late... I’ll go now...”
Mina lowered her head, clutching one arm tightly, and turned to leave. Looking at her small frame, I realized.
If I let her go like this, things would never go back to how they were. The warmth and kindness Mina gave me might disappear forever.
Had I been lonely? In this world where I was dropped with no one to rely on, wasn’t Mina the hope that came to me?
I had to hold on. I didn’t want to hurt someone and end up alone again, like back then.
But how? After all the hurtful things I’d said?
Would she forgive me if I apologized? Would she look at me with those warm eyes again? I felt like a child again.
A boat adrift on a vast sea, now with a hole in it. If this continued, it would surely sink under the rushing waves, into the endless depths below.
So, the choice I made to plug the hole was—
*Swish.*
I grabbed Mina’s shoulder as she walked away. Her frail body felt so thin, like it could break at any moment.
“Mina.”
At my gentle call, she slowly turned her head. Moonlight glistened in the teardrops clinging to her eyes.
I forced a smile on her slightly reddened face.
Carefully cradling the back of her head with one hand, I kissed her.
“...!”
Startled, Mina gently closed her eyes.
I opened mine slowly, looking at her expressionlessly.
I hope this makes her forgive me.
______________________________________
Translated by Reversalmanhwa.web.id
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